The First Assertion

I have so much from then and still I feel so low. Back then, the resources were few but everything had its own importance. Every small piece was so essential and worth too much. But now, when everything is easily accessible, even the biggest of things have lost their importance. Attachment is just in passing. Love is an activity. It always starts with holding hands and ends with a “nothing personal, no strings attached”. How can someone devote so much to someone and not have slightest thought, the tiniest bit of attachment. How is it possible not to think when you become so much involved emotionally. And then there is this thing called, “being practical”. You take out your heart and put it aside and throw out your soul and then say you are being practical. This is what it is.  For people, this is not the feeling called love. It is a logical process. Where instead of seeing the best of your partner, you see what is the best you can see from your partner.  And then you don’t have to think. Because in this logical and practical process thinking is completely forbidden. And there is a concrete reason as to why this thinking is forbidden. If you think, you would tend to ask questions. But these questions do not have answers. There are some unsaid things which are to better left unsaid (for some people at least). And then there is the expectations part. Because after thinking, the other thing which is strictly forbidden is any kind of expectations. Because in so called “being practical love” there are only exchanges but no expectations. Everything hurts and everything leaves you in crumbles and still you are supposed to enjoy your life and live every moment. There is someone special to share everything with but often you are alone and thinking and left to discuss all the non sense trash because you were not supposed to think in the first place. And then there are clashes and conflict of interests, when you eventually reach the brim and err to share your “feelings”.

Well…feelings are something that are never to be shared. It takes a lot of time to put the thoughts into words and you often end up risking testing the patience of the other person. And when this happens, remedial actions are always painful. You have to come up with creative measures to try to be practical again in front of other person and at the same time build a castle of lies to hide your own true “feelings”. Love is such a wonderful thing. It is very easy and casual to say those three words but it takes a lifetime to live it. It is not always sacrifice. It is to understand with few words and yet say all those things while leaving them unsaid at the same time. It takes a super courage to think and live and love. But, if the “feelings” haunt you, there is always an option of being practical.

As slowly I close my eyes

And sit quietly

A chill sweeps over me

As few memories slap coldly

In my palm

I dig my fingernails

In my mind flashing

Those unsaid tales

And I feel a jerk

With cold I shiver

I open my eyes

With a sudden quiver

I look back at my life

Faith completely shaken

Dragging the burden

Of few words unspoken

Some dreams vanquished

A road not taken

I saw a different gleam in his eyes. My sixth sense was telling me that something else was coming. This vague statement that he wanted us to be together was just not enough. It was something else also.

I gave a curt nod for him to continue the conversation. And as expected it came;

“You are a very nice girl, who would always keep me and my family happy.” Oh God, where was he taking the conversation, I started shaking my head. “No, I am telling the truth, any guy would be lucky to have you as his wife.”

“What?” I literally shouted, I was completely confused. I was thinking, if I was so good, then why I didn’t fit in Vikas’s life.

“Do not get me wrong, I have always admired you, and I am sure, this is why I am telling you this.”

And it all unfolded slowly and slowly in his words. That day during birthday celebration he was looking at me because in the first look he liked me. I suddenly remembered the impression he had on that day but I shook the thought quickly. Then he started liking me more and more with each of our coffee breaks together. Often, we used to go to walks after lunch and during that time I used to seek his advice on numerous things. I used to treat him not like a friend but as guide. I was starting to respect him for his experience and the way he shared it with me. I always thought him to be a serious guy who meant no nonsense and no humour. But I could never believe that he could actually have a crush on me. And on the top of that he could be all sweet and soft with me. This was a different person altogether. This was the Kunal that I never knew. With each sentence that he said, he was converting my dislike of his brand conscious air to something humane. I was starting to like this person more and more with each passing moment. I still couldn’t believe when he finally said,

“You would fit very well as my wife. You are the most appropriate person I can think of, who could be a part of my family. What do you think Kim?”

I came back from my own thoughts in a jerk and my sudden reaction was,

“What, Kunal I am sorry, I am already engaged, I told you this.”

“No you are not. Remember, you told me that you guys already broke up”.

I know I am being crazy

I know I am being stupid

But I just want to let you know

That I care

When you are quite

And seem so lost and far away

I am at your side

Hoping, you would speak some day

Then, I just want to let you know

That I care

When you seem worried

And you are so angry, so cross

I try to cool you down

Hoping you wouldn’t remain so gross

Again, I just want to let you know

That I care

When you don’t answer back

When I say I love you

I know you are helpless

That it won’t be forever with you

I just want to let you know

That I will care, forever…

Dinner was a silent affair for us. I was so nervous on going out with Kunal that I didn’t eat much and we were back again in his mini truck and he was driving me back home.
After a long pause, Kunal spoke up.
“How can you say that?”
“Say what?”
“That you are in a relationship”.
“What…Why?”, I was surprised with the way conversation was heading.
“Because you just do your own work. You never get phone calls. I can not see why person in relationship would not be on phone on any time. And I know for sure that your guy isn’t even abroad so you would talk less. You are free during weekends. You are getting sadier day by day”
“I don’t know what you are trying to say. I am unable to find where this discussion is heading.”
“Ok. Let me put this straight. Did you guys break up?”
“Ok. (I gave it a thought before speaking up) yes we broke up and it was very painful and I do not want to discuss anything about it. Will you please leave me alone?”
“I don’t want to leave you alone Kim; I want you to be with me. I know it would be very painful for you. I want us to be together.”
I was in a dilemma, what to say and what to do. This person was irritating me again. But then I looked into his eyes.
His eyes were alarming. They were full of tears. Was this guy really serious about me? I was suddenly filled with emotion but did not know how to react. He also saw me shaking nervously. He stopped the car besides a shopping mall and we sat down on the stairs outside. He then asked me to take my hand out towards him and hold his hand. There we were sitting together holding hands, our eyes moist. I was completely full with emotion. It took me few minutes to recover. I did not know if he was faking his tears but neither had I known the reason for my crying. On one side there was Vikas whom I loved dearly but I never did fit into his life. On other side was this guy, who was all good and caring who was promising everything in life in single go. The thing was, I was unable to decide if I really deserved someone so much as Kunal.

I ran inside, towards my room to pick something appropriate to wear. I did not want to look like I was coming out of gym or something in my plain lower and t shirt. It was not exactly a date, but let’s face it, I was going out with Kunal…on a dinner. I did not even know where he was taking us, so I started shuffling through my not so plentiful wardrobe. I did not want to select something over casual or something formal, so I stopped for pair of dark jeans and a pink T shirt (well! I am a bit girly at times) and got ready quickly without applying any make up except for some lip balm. I never preferred any makeup because I thought I didn’t need any and this was true because I often got compliments on my appearance.

Once I had grabbed my wallet, I called up Kunal on his cell phone to inform him to come to pick me. He was nearby, so he hardly took five minutes to reach my place. I was shocked to see that he was driving a black SUV. No, I was not at all impressed, but instead I thought, who would want to go out on weekends in a thing that looked like a mini goods-carrier truck. I could see Kunal sitting on the driver seat stuffed in a tight-fitted round neck black t shirt. I am saying stuffed because the t shirt had taken the shape of his body and I could see the shape of his slightly round beer belly. I rolled my eyes a bit and thought, why can’t these guys wear simple, loose fitting polo neck. Round neck, body hugging t shirts should be left for people with chiselled body. As he unlocked the passenger door for me, I pushed these thoughts to back seat and tried to conjure a warm smile at him and pulled the handle and sat beside him. Once I took a breath, a strong waft of perfume rushed into my nostrils. I was about to say nice perfume, but apparently, Kunal caught my expression.

“Luckily, today I am wearing my favourite perfume, its …” and in next 60 seconds I got all the information about the perfume and its price (five grand) and some other perfumes, brand name for his sun glasses…et cet era. I took a deep breathe and asked about how his day went, not bothering to rudely interrupting him. This guy didn’t have a smart face, but he was compensating well with his show off.

Once our formal greetings were over and brands and prices for all the things that he was wearing were discussed (including the wad of cash he used to carry in his wallet at all times), he asked me where would I like to go for dinner. But, I politely reminded him that I already had my dinner. After few more of his real life experiences of dining at most expensive restaurants in the city, we closed on a restaurant near by my place. All this time, we were actually circling the vicinity. This particular place was known for its exquisite ambience and was not so easy on the pocket. I just blinked, and thought so much like Kunal! And as evident, I was going there for the first time.

Forever…Always…These are just words in stories. Reality is ever changing. Times change, situations change and eventually people also change. Gradually the change was coming in our relationship. Day by day, we started talking lesser and lesser. Being less informed about each other’s life itself creates wider distances. Three months passed by in this numbness and one day we both broke the remains of the fragile thread that was holding us. At first I didn’t accept it, but I was surprised that my feelings were so neutral. I was neither sad about my relationship nor happy about being free of it.

Slowly, I cut off from everyone, even at office. I had a straight face for my family, who didn’t have slightest clue about what was going in my life. Kunal tried to reach me at office. But my responses to him were reduced to bare minimum. Kunal was the last person on the earth who I wanted to talk to at the moment, because I was blaming him for my break-up with Vikas. But, he was the only person who was tolerating my sulkiness in silence.

One Saturday evening after dinner when I was walking near my apartment, I got a phone call from unknown number. I picked the phone, the voice was familiar. “Hello, who is this?”

“You have seriously started talking less to me these days. We see each other daily, but you are not able to recognize who I am?”

I was taken aback with that statement. It was a guy and the voice was familiar, but I was not able to think who could it be?

“I am sorry, can you please tell me who are you?”

“Kim, Kunal this side. It is really sad that you have forgotten your old friend.”

“I am really sorry Kunal, I am talking with you over phone for the first time. Your voice is sounding really different over the phone. But from where did you get my cell phone number?”

“It is in the corporate directory. I am sorry for calling you this late. The thing is, these days, you never go for coffee with me. You have almost stopped talking to me and you are in a different mood these days. Is there something bothering you? Can I be of some help? Why are you so much tensed?” He railed off.

“Oh Kunal! Take a break! There is nothing like that, it is just that I have become a bit busy these days and nothing else”.

“Rubbish! It is something else. I am elder and certainly more experienced than you, I know there is something. How about I come over there and we can sit somewhere and talk. I am missing my sweet friend a lot”

“Kunal, it is 9:00. I cannot roam around with a guy, this late at night.

“I will drop you when you want to be home. It reminds me I haven’t had dinner yet. In fact, we can have dinner together. Plus you could do some good to yourself with some fresh air”.

Even after I told him that I had already had dinner and he threatened me that he would skip his, if I didn’t accompany him, I got a feeling that further arguments were useless so I agreed half-heartedly.